You Are Enough

Originally published in PEPPER Magazine, republished here with permission from the author.
By K. Day, Editor in Chief, PEPPER Magazine, San Antonio, Texas, Volume 2, Issue 3
Instagram: kathleen.day.official
‍‍

At the end of the day darling, you are enough. You always have been. It may have taken you awhile to see that and to finally reach this place, but you have always been enough.”
– Lacey Ramburger

When I think of the word enough in relation to people, or really any sentient life, I take it to mean "not lacking" and "not too much of"—just the right amount of what and who you are.

The self-help rhetoric out there does a good job of reassuring you that you’re enough. So, why doesn’t it feel like we are? The first culprit to come to mind is social media, but moreover, the lifestyle and fashion ads on social media. For some, it’s the fast-paced, cutthroat workplace. Or the gym... Everywhere you look there is always something or someone else to compare yourself and your life with. I’m here to tell you—it’s a trap.

Comparison is the thief of joy. It's natural to feel intimidated sometimes by beauty, youth, and financial abundance, especially when you’re constantly navigating from a survival mindset or dealing with challenging life circumstances. When you don’t fit the ideal, depression is all too happy to greet you. When you do fit it, hello imposter syndrome!

Most coaches, therapists, and the trusty internet will advise you to limit your exposure to the things that trigger these comparative feelings. That’s not so different from advising someone who has a fear of water to stop drinking it or bathing. Exposure to life and the world around you is not the problem. You are not the problem. The root of the issue lies in your perception.

Perception is key in all things, and most importantly, in relation to how we see ourselves. The value we place upon ourselves (in the simplest, most natural sense) determines everything else about how we navigate and interact with the world around us. The better we see ourselves, the better we treat ourselves. This, in turn, affects how we treat others, animals, material possessions—even opportunities.

If you’re anything like me, consistently correcting your own thoughts, criticizing your appearance, or shaming yourself for not being where you’d like to be, it’s time to pull a HARD STOP and change your perception.

This is way easier said than done and takes a lot of practice and patience. Everyone is different, so the timetable will vary—rather, toss out the clock on this one! It’s not a race. It’s a shift. The hardest part about accepting that we are enough is that deep down, we just don’t believe it.

Sure, we believe others are enough. My child is enough—he’s perfect in my eyes. My dog is enough—he’s my best friend. My art supplies are enough, and with my talent and desire to create, I can make anything out of just about anything. But when I look in the mirror, my heart sinks. When I see the pretty girls in high fashion online, my chest tightens with anxiety.

The revelation is this: I love lots of things about me and am grateful for everything I have, for where I am, and for those who love me. But I struggle with being okay with how I look (thanks, body dysmorphia), and at times, I feel a little embarrassed about my autistic social awkwardness. Focusing on this perceived inequity and picking myself apart is unhealthy.

Let’s spin it this way: Just this week, I attended a dear friend’s very important event. When I met her in the back area, away from public view, she confessed to feeling overwhelmed that “so many things are going wrong.” I could see the tears of frustration welling up in her eyes and knew how important this was to her, and how real these mistakes and mishaps felt.

My instinctual response was to get her out of the moment immediately with an industry mind trick I learned through modeling and acting. I told her, “Pretend like this is a movie and you are an actor portraying yourself in this moment. Now, all of the obstacles and mistakes and not-good things—they’re all great parts of the movie that make the story more interesting and keep the audience engaged, rooting for you. The obstacles are the juiciest parts. Lean into it! Step outside of yourself just until the event is over and play the part of you, mastering the whole thing, taking each moment in stride and meeting the adversity with grace, like you would imagine an actor would.”

After it was over, she thanked me and expressed that my advice actually did alleviate a lot of the impact.

When applying this scenario to the moments when I’m standing in front of the mirror and all I can see is everything I don’t want to be, I can choose to put a pause on my self-loathing long enough to look at myself and my life like a movie, from someone else’s eyes.

Not physically fit? What awesome before-and-after pictures can I take since I’m determined to work out and eat healthier. How great will it be to live a little longer for my son because I made these choices right now?

Don’t like how my hair looks? Isn’t it wonderful that so many content creators make tutorials on YouTube and Instagram for me to learn how to get good at styling my hair?

Hate my old wardrobe? Why not reach out to friends and see if we can put together a garment swap, support local thrift shops, and donate my not-so-favorite threads to a battered women’s shelter?

Not loving how I can see age creeping up in my face? Hey, I’ve noticed the folks around me take me a little more seriously now. I can get through a checkout line faster with that bottle of wine in tow, and I can decide to be that cool older lady who’s always so stylish!

Whatever the root of your discontent toward yourself, there are mental workarounds to shift your perspective. This isn’t an ego thing—it’s a self-value thing. Somewhere between not taking ourselves too seriously, being comfortable in our own skin, and giving ourselves and others grace, it’s there. Right there, just waiting for us to recognize it—that we are, in fact, enough.

And I look at it this way: so long as I am showing up, being honest, doing my best, being kind, and helping when and where I can, I’m doing the whole ‘human’ thing right. And despite the ups and downs of life, that, for me, is enough.