Editorial: Why Are IDD Individuals Left Out of the Sex and Love Conversations?

Letter from the Editor: Why Are Neurodivergent Individuals Left Out of the Love Conversation?

The outburst seemed to come out of nowhere. One minute, everything was fine. The next, frustration boiled over—slamming doors, angry stimming, retreating into silence. Caregivers of IDD teens and adults often see these moments as behavioral issues, something to be managed, redirected, or calmed down. But what if they’ve been misinterpreting them all along?

What if these outbursts aren’t just about puberty or emotional dysregulation but about something much deeper? What if they’re about love, loneliness, and the silent realization that the world hasn’t made space for them to experience romance the way others do?

Neurodivergent individuals, including those with intellectual and developmental disabilities, grow up in a society that often denies them one of the most fundamental human experiences—love. Whether through outright exclusion, overprotection, or well-meaning but limiting caregiving, their right to romantic connection is often ignored.

A Caregiver’s Awakening

A caregiver watches as their nonverbal child becomes increasingly withdrawn, their emotions unpredictable. They assume it’s just part of being neurodivergent—until one day, a small but profound moment shifts their perspective. Maybe it’s finding their loved one holding onto a romance novel, unable to express what draws them to it. Maybe it’s watching them become visibly emotional during a scene of two people falling in love on TV. Or maybe it’s hearing them make a frustrated noise when they see their peers talking about relationships in a way they can’t participate in.

Then, the gut-punch realization hits—they aren’t just frustrated. They are grieving. Grieving a lack of education. Grieving a lack of opportunities to explore relationships. Grieving the unspoken message they’ve received all their life: This isn’t for you. And then, an even bigger realization emerges: they need trust.

The Barriers They Face

Even if a neurodivergent person wants to explore dating or relationships, the world is often stacked against them. For too long, society has assumed IDD individuals don’t have romantic or sexual desires—so the conversation never happens. But what if caregivers could change that narrative? Many disabled individuals live in controlled environments where dating isn’t prioritized or even allowed. When they do seek companionship, they are often met with ableist rejection—potential partners seeing them as “undateable” or incapable of forming meaningful relationships. Some are even legally restricted from making their own romantic choices due to overprotective guardianship laws. Meanwhile, media rarely portrays IDD individuals in romantic, loving relationships, further reinforcing the belief that love is not meant for them.

But love isn’t the only conversation being ignored—sexuality and self-understanding are often left out completely. Many IDD individuals receive little to no sex education. Some are shielded from any discussion of attraction, intimacy, or self-exploration, as though pretending these feelings don’t exist will make them disappear.

When sex education is absent or withheld, it doesn’t stop neurodivergent individuals from experiencing attraction, desire, or curiosity about their bodies. What it does is leave them vulnerable—unprepared to navigate boundaries, consent, and self-advocacy in relationships. Without knowledge, they may be more at risk of exploitation, confusion, or internalized shame. Avoiding this topic doesn’t protect them. Education does.

From Gatekeeper to Advocate

What would change if caregivers felt empowered to have these conversations rather than avoid them? What if caregiving could evolve from protection to empowerment—giving neurodivergent and IDD individuals the tools to navigate love and relationships on their own terms? Neurodivergent and IDD individuals deserve relationship education with the same urgency given to independent living skills. They deserve safe dating spaces—disability-inclusive dating groups, peer-led social settings, and neurodivergent-friendly relationship resources. They deserve access to neuro-affirming professionals who can guide them through these experiences without bias or condescension.

And that education must include sex education. Teaching neurodivergent individuals about consent, bodily autonomy, personal safety, and healthy relationships is not optional. It is just as vital as teaching them how to cook a meal, manage money, or hold a job. They need the language and tools to understand their own bodies, their boundaries, and their choices.

One crucial step in this process is finding a neuro-affirming medical professional—a doctor or specialist who provides holistic care while understanding and respecting neurodivergent experiences. Caregivers and individuals alike benefit from having a trusted professional who can offer guidance on puberty, relationships, and sexual health in a way that is both affirming and accessible. If a primary physician isn’t well-versed in these conversations, they can help connect families with the right resources.

Even if a neurodivergent/IDD person does not outwardly express interest or engagement, that does not mean they are unaware. They observe, they feel, and they process the world around them in ways that may not always be visible. Their experiences deserve to be acknowledged, supported, and understood—even if they do not communicate them in expected ways. They need acknowledgment and support in this very unique place in life. The question is whether we are preparing them for it, supporting them through it, or pretending it doesn’t exist.

Reworking Caregiver Reflection

Every caregiver, at some point, wonders what their child’s future will look like. Will they find companionship? Will they be loved and understood? What if they experience rejection or heartbreak—how will they handle it? These are questions that don’t just belong to caregivers of neurodivergent individuals. They belong to all parents, all families, all people who love someone and want the best for them. But what happens when those questions lead to silent barriers rather than open conversations?

Caregivers have a lot of concerns about love and relationships—but what if sitting with them, instead of pushing them aside, led to better conversations? What if they explored ways to help their loved one navigate relationships in a way that respects their autonomy, their individuality, and their needs? What if caregivers asked not just Will they be okay? but How can I prepare them to feel confident, included, and supported in this part of life?

The Silent Struggle Ends With Us

Neurodivergent and IDD individuals deserve to experience love, connection, and intimacy—on their own terms. Ignoring their feelings doesn’t protect them—it isolates them. The frustration caregivers see isn’t just about puberty or hormones—it’s about a much deeper pain. The pain of realizing that the world hasn’t made space for them to experience love the way others do. And that needs to change.

Love and sexuality are not separate conversations. Understanding attraction, intimacy, and self-worth is just as essential as understanding relationships and companionship. The two cannot be disconnected if we want to truly support neurodivergent individuals in leading full, empowered lives.

This isn’t just about challenging social norms; it’s about dismantling the invisible barriers that have existed for generations. Love is not a privilege for the select few who fit a certain mold—it is a fundamental human right.

It starts with us—caregivers, educators, and society as a whole—choosing to talk about what’s been ignored for too long. Trust, guidance, and opportunity must replace fear, control, and avoidance. The choice isn’t whether neurodivergent individuals experience love—it’s whether we help them do so with dignity, understanding, and support.

With awareness and conviction,

Yvette Bonilla Leach
Editor-in-Chief, REROUTE